Emotions

In life, uncertainties are bound to happen. When it began hitting me like a pile of falling bricks, i can't help by asking myself," Do i really deserve all this?" I don't have a nasty attitude, it's just my own personality which you couldn't handle. I'm not born like this, nor am i born to be a perfect being. This is something which we have to acceptas a friend,a mate and a companion.I can't afford to make any more mistakes in my life. For thee i've done, has hurt through the hearts of many. I've and I'm still trying to change, but instead of recognizing... What hurts me the most is the amount of pain and effort I've put in, and yet no one out there give a pat on my shoulder and says " Kenneth, I'm proud of ya."How am i to distinguish or to judge based on these simplicity and yet complicating thoughts?Every footprints i left behind holds a certain memorable memories in my life. I can't help but think back? I'm happy for myself but are they? Would it be better if i chose to abide by their choice instead?Tons of things i shouldn't be doing right now..Things i knew all along that it's wrong..and yet i carry it on..These feelings sucks...Happiness? I really yearn for it for a long long time..I still have not found it..Those smiles on my face are actually deception from others...I'm feeling pain all over. Physical and emotional. Most of the time, I'm all alone, curling myself in bed, growling in the middle of the night..suffering in silence. Hardly anyone knows, because i ain't reach out..to those whom i really care..Forgive me..for I'm selfish at times, and yet you are able to withstand this stubborn mind set of mine.