Emotions

In life, uncertainties are bound to happen. When it began hitting me like a pile of falling bricks, i can't help by asking myself," Do i really deserve all this?" I don't have a nasty attitude, it's just my own personality which you couldn't handle. I'm not born like this, nor am i born to be a perfect being. This is something which we have to acceptas a friend,a mate and a companion.I can't afford to make any more mistakes in my life. For thee i've done, has hurt through the hearts of many. I've and I'm still trying to change, but instead of recognizing... What hurts me the most is the amount of pain and effort I've put in, and yet no one out there give a pat on my shoulder and says " Kenneth, I'm proud of ya."How am i to distinguish or to judge based on these simplicity and yet complicating thoughts?Every footprints i left behind holds a certain memorable memories in my life. I can't help but think back? I'm happy for myself but are they? Would it be better if i chose to abide by their choice instead?Tons of things i shouldn't be doing right now..Things i knew all along that it's wrong..and yet i carry it on..These feelings sucks...Happiness? I really yearn for it for a long long time..I still have not found it..Those smiles on my face are actually deception from others...I'm feeling pain all over. Physical and emotional. Most of the time, I'm all alone, curling myself in bed, growling in the middle of the night..suffering in silence. Hardly anyone knows, because i ain't reach out..to those whom i really care..Forgive me..for I'm selfish at times, and yet you are able to withstand this stubborn mind set of mine.

Waves of Interviews

Today been thru a whole day of interviews from town area till tampiness and even more.Trying to get a job soon and i know its not easy cos economy is bad.I know i cant get the pay i once gotten and have to put my pride and even dignity down at times.I tried my best today and will carry on tommorrow till the day i get a job.Once before i was in CLOUD9 where i have everything in life which i ask for and now i lost everything in life is this the will that up above have fated for me?Humans are really fragile once bitten they wont dare do it again and i admit im like this.there is always a chinese saying and i agree with it "Tan De Wu Nian" which is saying about greedy in life.I feel that im in a body without a soul as my soul have left me all that is left is jus a body which is degrading day by day in searching of that long lost soul of mine.Ppl start leaving me and i see that things are changing around me,going out in the streets passing by ppl makes me fearful cos they have a mind full of lust and desire.after which yet again i learn a very important lesson in my life but still it didnt improve much but brought me down to my knees deeper,so deep that i lost my sense of directions.How i wish to see the blue blue sky i once saw before.Now everyday coming home i a fearful thing to me,when will ppl come knocking my door and take my things away.Have been receiving calls and calls from day till nite asking when will i pay up,i know theres no way i can fork that amount out and i know i cant take it any longer before i have to declare bankrupt.Im going thru a harsh period jus that in front of everyone im wearing a mask not letting ppl seeing how hurt or how my situation is rite now.Wondering how long can i be wearing that mask and how long will the ones up there wanna torture me i have strive out my career for the past 5Years and jus a day YOU destroy all of it.Now again i have to fend for my everything again.Will there be the day everything can be start anew??i do really wish it will and the things i have done,will be able to redeem that very chance in life.

*Hope u are happy with ur frens and freedom.

Time Change Surrounding Change Ppl Change

I truly understand how i feel after yesterday,you may think its nothing but to me it hurt me deep.Shouldn't stay over your place last night if not all this wont happen.Ever thought how many times have i been thrown at home alone??how does it feels to wait that mere 5 to 6 hrs or even if i dont wait and i fall asleep it still the same cos u will worry for the other party as in whether anything would have happen and other reasons.I think its more than enough for both of us since we cant give in neither meeting the timing as well.i guess this is another form of respect to u if i were to do that.i really slept and woke up at 7am thought u would be home but didnt got to see u which make me worry call u never answer then i had no choice but to call Linda and she answer telling me she drop you off from the taxi which make me rush down jus to see wether you are alright but i cant see u which made me wonder what a lie she make when i try to call u many times but u never answer so whats going on..i really confuse being as someone who care yet get this kinda treatment isnt nice when a guy hang my call the first time i call and u pick up telling me your hp not with u and u having breakfast.i guess its really enough that i may not spare a thought at gambling but have you spare a thought for me???need not try to make amendments cos you will never change clubbing is ur favourite and i wont stop u neither the ppl u go out with cos i find it a waste of effort as in i really try my best ask urself how many times have u done it..Take Care..

Tomorrow is the Day

In another few hours i will be leaving this home i call which is our so call temporary love nest.It hurts deep in my heart but i guess this is the best option for both of us to think and to make things better.I feel sad but still i hope you can be independent in a way to take care this love nest when im not around like what you say i will only stay over during ur off day if let say you are not going out,hope ur parents wont ask much about it maybe jus tell them im slogging with my job thats y i seldom come home.I know i made alot of empty promise to you and it somehow sadden you in a way which been going thru my mind.I regret myself for being like that and i feel sad,will do it or not its up to my will and mind set which i will write down everything i say to you and slowly accomplish it as time goes by.i will make amendments to myself and not letting it fault me again as well as being a better person in life so that i prove myself worthy towards the society as well as to you and myself.I still have a long journey ahead which there will be many upcoming difficulty that i will face but im willing too cos i am answerable to the mistake i made and whether will it work out well or not i will still swallow it down,maybe one day i will be able to head up and be proud of what i went thru during such harsh times.As for you i know you will be going to be miss badly as well as you will feel uneasy but no matter what im there jus a call or sms and i will certainly be there for you.please dont keep things to yourself and hide it from me maybe you may think im busy and dont wish to disturb me but still there will be time to spare and most of all in my heart there is a special place where you belong and no one can take over it.I will miss the precious moments that we once had and during this transition time i can only think about it till the day,i prove myself.Dear dear,take care of yourself and i will miss you very much.

Yours Truly,
Ee Fat Ass Aka Fatty Bom Bom

You Could Be Happy-Snow Patrol

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go
And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played on lips 'till it's madness in my head
Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur
Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door
You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far
Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true
Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do
More than anything I want to see you go
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

Happy Valentine's Day & Our 7th month Anniversary.

I first wanna wish you a Happy Valentine's Day even though i cant give you anything and also a Happy 7 month's Anniversary yet i know its the last one.I know in our hearts we are sad and hurt and it will take time to heal.I know time have tell you many things about me and i feel sorry to you as well as myself i regret but i know its to late to amend it but to live in the darkness for the time being.Maybe what you say its correct to let you go so that i wont ever hurt ur feelings and also you really can regain ur freedom.I didnt know how much i control ur life till you told me off,i feel sad for myself that y am i so selfish in life.That i never even think for ur feelings.So many thing happen for the past 2 months which its hard on both of us,till now i guess we have a mutual agreement in a way to either cool down or break up.I really hate myself so much and im really lost and dunno what to do now.Its sad for me to know that im retrench deep down my heart i feel like pouring out but i old back my tears and keep quiet cos i dont wish people to see the weak side of me neither wil i wanna show it to you cos i know you have alot of problems in your mind already.Im in a daze for this few days dunno wat to do dunno where to start..its a blow to me losing my job,its another blow to me losing $$$ and the greatest blow will be u that i cant hold on to it yet jus shed tears when u were sound alseep.looking at the way you sleep bring me back to the good days we had.im really fond and in love with you but it takes 2 hands to clap not one..Theres nothing that will change your mind and i respect it,this will give me the time to think hard and really work something out for me and not relying on you neither making you in trouble with me.I may not be the perfect guy in your life that you met but i hope that maybe in years to come when things are better for both of us and you are still single i would ask for you to come back to me.I wanna let you know that from the start of our relationship till now i have never cheated on you and i really devoted my life and love to you and only you which i know its hard to believe me but wat im saying is the truth as i swear to the gods above me.Dont think to much for me cos im not really worth it after what have happen recently and i didnt respect you neither care about your feelings,i feel so lousy that i drag you into so much shit with me which now i really have to stand on my 2 kness and work things out myself not relying on anyone.it make take a few years but its all fated i cant change the past but to live on with it forever.I know i maybe saying alot but i just hope you will bear in mind what i will say cos i dont wish you to get hurt neither see you sad again.dont trust ppl to easily except urself and ur family,they really care for you alot jus that you need to spend abit time with them.mom maybe abit naggy towards you but she really care alot behind when ever u are not around she will ask me about you and ur work,dad may be very quiet but he is doing his best at home to make sure everyone jus need to work and need not bother about the cleaniness of the house,ur sis is there for you whenever u need a listening ear,ur bro maybe young and stubborn at times but his growing up as a teenager if you need someone to talk to him let me know cos i maybe a good example for him.As for you you need to tidy up your room every once a week at least if not crocoaches will come in which you are afraid,bring ur dirty clothes behind and also learn to wake up pack ur bed cos no one will help u do it le,turning 20 years old le no more a young girl but a mature girl with responsiblity to see thru this home of yours.I guess its the last time for me to help you arrange ur cupboard,desk,bed and other things its not in your hands le:)There are many things which i cant speak my mind towards you cos i am not god in saying so i rather wrte down everything in here for you.Dont forget to look after baby & ChouChou & Ee Or.they are ur love ones and the one which will always sleep beside you.As for you,dont drink too much as ur health not very good,if can stop smoking better for you,try to safe your hard earn $$$ not always spending it unneccassary as in cabs and others,pls eat as well not skipping it always.well,i guess that all i have to say.Im sorry which im going to say for the last time that i shatter your dreams your wishes and your image in ppl.i will look for a proper day job as well as a part-time at nite if possible i will also wish to seek for help to quit my gambling addictions.In my heart theres only you cos you sacrifice to much for me before which is y i always tell u i really really love you very very much,Jasmine Yap Shi Min. Thanks for the memories that you gave me and went thru together i really appreciate you alot.dont keep thinking you are not a gd gf or wife cos it takes time to understand somethings in life maybe you havent master the importance things of it yet..slowly take ur time.You still got a long journey ahead t walk and to learn new things.If given a choice to spend my last moment with,i wil wish to spend it with you.Thanks for the Valentine's day present which you gave me..a wake up call telling me the importance of you and the foolish and naive thinking i had in me.i know u hate me very deep and cant forgive easily too,i guess i have done up the whole room for u and its all your care from now onwards.left with a few hours before i part this place with memories and how i wonder when will i see you again and ur family.wish u and ur family be happy always.

With Love,
Ee Fat Ass

The way you are now

The way you are now really change completely..Still the same there is no trust in me,how can you take it this way that only you can talk to guys but i cant even talk to girls.think you should really reflect back.i gave evwerything to control all my $$$ yet when last time u got a debt of $400 out there i clear and didnt ask u back but since u wanna make it clear that all my debts have to repay u for watever u help me pay i will say no problem..i will pay u back every little single cent.Wanna go out jus like that after so many sms with dunno who.did i say a thing or did i jus keep quiet not wanting to pick a quarrel..cant bring me along or think you wont be the one enjoying when im there..i really give in to all your needs at times..you want this want that i have to get if not buy have u ever thought about me then thinking of the ppl beside u or yourself.i try my best to do the best.once i was loaded with cash and live a good life now tat im poor i try to control all my needs and balance my life out by not spending too much..jus took a $10 from the dog and was being say till like fuck.cmon i have my diginity i did put in $$$ to the dog as well..think about it dont keep on telling me break up or cool down if you love me respect me abit more treat me abit nicer..this is wat i wanna say to you.i dont wish to see you come home with alcohol smell so strong crying telling me there wasnt fun and things like that i just wan u to be a good wife to be to me..i really wont leave you and i hope u cant rally change in time to come cos i dont wish you always to be trouble by things im here to share with u no matter wat even tou i may not solve ur problem at least i know wats wrong and where can i start to comfort you.its been 7 months being together and if i really leave you it would be done long ago not now..i wish to see us happy and faster settle all stupid debts i have.pls keep your promise to me cos i really wish to see u change abit better can le.i really love you but it hurts to see u like that at times

Days of my Life

Sometimes it feels hurt to hear wat u say or react against me but its part of your character that is wat i like about.i really worry for you this few days to see you gamble and i never show it out jus like today i saw ur bet $150 per game on corner only,i was really praying hard will win cos first half only 4 corner how to have another 7 corner 2nd half..well lucky wi if not i know u going to fight it back.see urself tis few days did u change like betting soccer till late for work if not suddenly bet so much which u never did it before.well its ur wish which i wont stop but i would wanna help u out too..hope u will agree with me.i really love u but i know theres many things i cant do for u at the moment which i know u going thru a hard time but give me time i will come back to state.its jus that i have to lay low during this time of life.dont tell me we are not suitable for each other or wa cos i feel that we are jus that we need to control each other at times cos no one is born perfect and it hard to change bad habits that y we are here to help and make things better for us in life.hope u understand me and i would wanna care and love u even more then before..darling u are the 1 and only 1..love u